Jack, of course—
And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty…
Society demands that we keep overcoming, overcoming, overcoming. But we don’t have to. Nowhere is it written that to be a really real human you have to brute force your way through your limits. Nowhere is it written that not doing so makes you less worthy. For most people, constantly refusing to acknowledge that you have limits is…
Journal Entry: Revenge Fantasies
My “revenge fantasies” are always so tame: I explain why he’s wrong–it is usually a he– and he agrees, feels really badly, apologizes.
Addendum III: Silence
I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. That this speaking profits me, beyond any other effect…
I was going to die, if not sooner than later, whether or not I had ever spoken myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you.…
The Phenomenology of Anger
Not enough. When I dream of meeting
the enemy, this is my dream:
ripples from my body
on the true enemy
raking his body down to the thread
hurting away his lie
leaving him in a new
world; a changed
On Grief and Rituals
Emily Smith, in The Atlantic:
“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it,” writes Joan Didion in The Year of Magical Thinking. “We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect the shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind.”
Even so, while some of the grief-stricken remain depressed for long periods of time—developing what’s called…
Ashana, On Inaction & Tears
There are times when we really don’t have the power to change our situation and the best response is to sit quietly and wait. During rituals, I was nearly always restrained in some way. I quite literally could not move. And the best response was inaction. The feeling inside that goes with inaction being our best choice is usually hopelessness and depression. It is this heavy sense inside…
Jacoby Ballard at Decolonizing Yoga:
In talking to my teacher Seane last year, she challenged me by saying, “you have to change your relationship to transphobia and homophobia, because it’s not going away in the world. You will continue to encounter it for the rest of your life. You have to change your relationship to it so that it does the least damage possible.” Which, for me, means practicing…
Journal Entry: The What If
Perhaps the most irritating thing about me–to myself, sometimes, even–is my need to feel like I’ve done The Right Thing.
Not someone else’s right thing, not the right thing according to some precast value system I’ve taken and shoved into the space where questions should be. It is, at least, My Right Thing.
I keep remembering a conversation with my mom. I was maybe 9 or 10, in the old house,…
re: Women, Competition
Unlike Ian, I don’t think “should” is a terrible word. I think that what you’re describing above is great and exactly how people should behave, regardless of feminist praxis or an urge to support those within your “tribe,” or almost any other factor. If you meet someone who is working hard to bring about something positive in the world, you should encourage her. Period. Full stop.